Mims33

I keep changing my mind.

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    I have posted once before. I am 35, married for 14 years and we have 3 children (12, 11 and 9). We have thought about moving to Australia alot since we had children but as I was close to my family I said there was no way I could leave them. Then 2 years ago my world fell apart. In 2012 my brother became ill with some serious mental health issues. He suffered horrific anger and attacked my husband and soon after attempted to do the same to me. He had been unwell for years but never a danger. Since that day I cut my brother out of my life, he has apologised and is full of regret now he is feeling better and stable but I won't let him near me or my children. Since those instances I have suffered anxiety, so severe that in 2013 I had agoraphobia and was unable to leave my home. I had panic attacks even at home and my life was hellish. I am now feeling much better. I am happy and as a family we are so much closer (myself, hubby and kids). We only have contact with my Mum as I was resented by my sisters for not forgiving my brother so I took the decision to walk away from them too as the stress was causing my anxiety to make me so unwell.

     

    Since having my anxiety I have had a huge fear of going abroad on holiday so we just holiday in the UK. I don't know why but the agoraphobia I guess still lingers some what. I now have a huge fear of flying especially long haul so I keep thinking Australia?? there's no way I could do it, I'd have a huge panic attack on the plane. I don't like flying but it's more a fear of being trapped and unable to get out. It's a long flight. If I could click my fingers and be there instantly I would so that tells me I really do want to make this move and I know my husband wants to do it more than anything. He thinks we deserve a fresh start.

     

    I don't think it's running away as we have wanted to move for years but now my family circumstances have changed and i feel there is nothing keeping us here other than our children being settled in school with good friends, I think now I'd love to go but the fear of flying because of my panic attacks travelling long haul I swear it's all that's stopping me from saying to hubby yes lets do it. Other than the plane journey I know it's what I want to do. I so wish I could open my eyes tomorrow and be there, I would be fine. I think my children deserve the best and a fresh start I know would do us all the world of good. Things have never been the same since what happened with my extended family and I feel kind of trapped here right now. I guess what's happened has made me want to emigrate even more as I have been through alot and appreciate life so much more having suffered anxiety and agoraphobia. Life is precious and I don't want to have any regrets. I have had CBT and done really well, I feel good but the anxiety about being trapped in a plane still lingers and if I imagine a plane journey I see myself having a huge panic infront of everyone on the plane, lol! It's my worst nightmare.

     

    Hubby has stopped mentioning Australia now but I know he is really sad that last year I said I couldn't do it. It's been his dream for a long time. I think he deserves it as he only has his father in his life and he feels he has no ties here now and wants to give us all a better life. He is a Quantity Surveyor and has had 2 opportunities of work in Australia but he has turned them down because I said I couldn't give him his dream. I felt terrible for doing that.

     

    Our children are getting older and as time passes they have said they wouldn't want to leave their friends so that does concern me, I wouldn't want to upset them either.

     

    Sorry for rambling. I just needed to get out how i feel. I guess noone can make this decision easier for me. It's something I need to man up and face myself ;-):cute:

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    Sorry to hear about what you've been through. I agree you need a fresh start.

    Nothing to stop you travelling by boat to Australia instead. You can travel on same ship as your possessions. We looked into it, but decided that my mobility issues would prevent it. Might be worth investigating.

    Best of luck. Hope you are able to find an alternative to the flight

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    I cannot begin to imagine how you feel and you've made some huge and strong decisions with regard your family. Well done.

     

    I can relate to the dream of Australia though - it was always something that nagged us, for years and years and we finally kicked ourselves into action and we achieved the dream - and it's been great. You sound like you are already set on Australia being a good move. I think you are right as well.

     

    With the plane flight, it is ONLY a defined period of time - every minute in the air is one minute closer to Australia. I know it's easy to type that, and the fears are real and probably the more you think about it, the bigger they get - but you can split the flight up with a stopover (we had three days in Singapore) and also it's 24 hours of flight vs years in Australia. You would be well looked after by the flight attendants - and I am sure if you made it known you had anxiety about it, they would do everything they can to help. Might be worth seeing a doctor and getting some help with relaxation techniques? It's surprising how good the human mind can be at blocking out what's going on around us - hopefully that doesn't sound patronising!

     

    Good luck!

    Edited by zebedee

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    Difficult but if you want to go for it, you will need to face this and deal with it as best as possible to the point where you can fly. I'd be going back for more CBT and working on it as much as possible and seeing if you can make the move a reality. Its sooner rather than later as your kids are getting older and once you hit those teenage years it can be a real wrench for them to make a move to the other side of the world. Lots are ok but some teenagers focus on their friends and it can be terribly hard to leave them behind and settle happily elsewhere.

     

    Have you considered breaking the journey up? You can do it in 3 legs if you want, with an overnight somewhere if it will help. Shorter legs, a breather in between, even a few nights on the way. You might also be able to medicate? Just something to help you relax on the flight? Talk to your GP about it perhaps and see if there is anything that might help.

     

    I don't suffer panic attacks when flying (I've had them in the past but not flying related) but I don't like it one bit anymore but I get myself on the plane each time and its ok. Its never as bad as I think its going to be in my head in the weeks and months before I fly. Now I just don't let myself dwell on it too much before we fly and I usually only have time to ponder it as we are boarding the flight but then I am distracted by my son and other things and just keep it that way. I think you are probably focusing on the worry and negative thoughts about when you fly and you should try to focus on the positives, the good things and that might help how you feel about it in your head more.

     

    I am also going to say I think you have to have a bit of a stubborn, possibly slightly selfish streak in you to help you make the move. You are going to possibly upset loved ones, your kids may not all be happy about the move and it isn't an easy process, so you do need to be able to steel yourself for all that and be confident to work through it all and not fall at the first big emotional hurdle that hits you, or the ones after that might arise. If you decide to migrate, be prepared to be a bit tougher about it all, in a good way IYKWIM :smile:

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    Hi, I feel you should just go for it, I was scared of the flight and by no means am I underestimating how you are feeling as I realise this is serious and you aren't just scared of flying !! But the time on the plane just flys by, seriously doesn't feel as long as it is! We flew out last week and in had never done a long haul before and I must say it was not half as bad as expected! The staff on our Singapore airlines flight were amazing, they bent over backwards to make us feel comfortable. Customer service was unbelievable xxx

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    Guest wen66

    If the flying is the only thing stopping you, then there are ways and means, as said above, you can get help with the anxiety of flying. Slightly different circumstances but my best friend is a terrible flyer. She would only get on a plane if she had a gin and tonic in her hand before, during and after. She was gutted when we moved as she said she wouldn't fly that long or that far. Actually, she has been on 4 hour flights and is flying the Orlando in the summer and saving her heart out to come to me next year....I am still in shock!

    Do it before the kids get older. Grab life's opportunities. I hope it all works out for you. Stay strong:smile:x

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    Hi Mimms,

    I just want to reassure you,I was like you petrified of flights, as I hate enclosed spaces.

    I realised I was being selfish keeping my Husband from holpidays abroad, so I visited my GP.

    when I explained my problem he gave me just enough tablets for my two flights,I was so relaxed I even sat at a

    window seat.Everytime I fly I just get enough tablets from my GP. I have been to Australia twice and we are moving permanently .to

    Adelaide as soon as our house is sold. Good luck you can do it.

    Warm Regards

    Joan

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    Sorry to hear about what you've been through. I agree you need a fresh start.

    Nothing to stop you travelling by boat to Australia instead. You can travel on same ship as your possessions. We looked into it, but decided that my mobility issues would prevent it. Might be worth investigating.

    Best of luck. Hope you are able to find an alternative to the flight

     

    What a great way to travel! Best of luck, Mims. It must be tough on all of you, for all the reasons you've given. There's always a way around tricky situations; you just have to look at it from all angles. Shipboard life for a month or so sounds like the perfect solution in many ways. Good luck with whatever you choose to do! PS: I'm sure your doctor could give you something to keep you calm for the 24 hours on the plane. And there are courses for people with fear of flying which might be worth checking out.

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    What a great way to travel! Best of luck, Mims. It must be tough on all of you, for all the reasons you've given. There's always a way around tricky situations; you just have to look at it from all angles. Shipboard life for a month or so sounds like the perfect solution in many ways. Good luck with whatever you choose to do! PS: I'm sure your doctor could give you something to keep you calm for the 24 hours on the plane. And there are courses for people with fear of flying which might be worth checking out.

     

    Whilst I have no problem with flying, in fact I find it quite an enjoyable experience, but Linda does, she has a slight discomfort with the enclosed space rather the actual flying, but she has a brilliant and caring GP that besides giving her a letter about her medical history and any current medications she will be carrying, also makes sure Linda's flu jabs and other inoculations are up to date, she also prescribes Linda, just for the flights, some Valium which Linda ( takes half tab for the shorter flight and 1 for the long flight) finds really help, not only settle her but able to sleep better on the plane too.

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    G'day Minns, good on you for being brave enough to tell us of your 'private' hell. You've been through the mill and definitely need a fresh start. More important, so do your children. They are old enough to understand why you and your hubby want to move to a new life.

     

    Now, as to your fear of flying, let me see if I can help you. I hold a recreational pilots certificate and fly VERY small and claustrophobic aircraft so may have some insights for you, and for other members that have the same fear.

    S8001303.jpg Up close and personal with a stroke victim.

     

    Firstly, lets forget about coming by ship. If you can't cope with small places then being trapped in a very small cabin in a gale and huge waves throwing you every where, is going to send you totally mad. It's better to suffer 24 hours of hell than 5 weeks. Not all cruises are as beautiful as they advertise. Then there's the expense, not just of the fares, but the money you will spend on board and at ports of call. A distant relation of mine came out as a 10 pound pohm and spent a small fortune during the journey.

     

    IF indeed you can afford to come by ship, then think about up-grading your seats on the aircraft to business class, so much more room. I know, doubles your airfares but it's a once in a life time trip. Once you're here, all your relatives must do the flying.

     

    Modern aircraft are really strong and have been tested to destruction so that pilots know the limits to which they can take them. Storms can be seen on radar early enough to go round and other aircraft can also be seen. The only thing that can't, is sudden changes in air density, this is what makes aircraft suddenly drop or go up. The effects are quickly over and the plane will automatically resume flying straight and level even if the pilot has his hands off the controls and the auto pilot is switched off. All plane are designed to be self-stabilizing in that way.

    BTW, if you watch TV shows like Air crash Investigation, remember, there's always some unusual reason for the crash and I would advise you not to watch such shows. It's unlikely that the same set of circumstances will ever arise again anyway.

     

    If you decide to take the chance, you have months in which to do some research on flying. Months in which to learn relaxation programs. Months in which to see specialist such as hypnotherapists.

     

    Please don't waste time on worrying about it, just take the first step, however small, in your journey to a new and better life.

     

    PM me if you want more help.

     

    Oops, didn't mean the photos to be so big.

    Come fly with me....jpg

    After first solo.jpg

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    I think the title of your thread is interesting. You have titled it 'I keep changing my mind' rather than something like Fear of flying or something along those lines. You say you have thought about moving since you have had children, I wonder if deep down you are still undecided and are using your fear of flying as a reason to not come. Or do you mean you think you can fly to Australia, but then change your mind?

     

    We had similar issues with the in laws. When we discussing emigrating (which wasn't often because they are the kind of people that think if we don't talk about it, it won't happen!) they stated that they wouldn't be able to fly to come and see us because of my FIL's back issues and sitting down for long periods. My dad suffers with back problems and has had an operation and various injections into his nerves to help ease the pain, but he has been out to see us several times, because his motivator is he loves his daughter and wants to see me. When I suggested to the in laws they could come by ship and it didn't matter how long it took because they are retired and they didn't need to rush the journey, this suggestion was met with absolute silence! The reality was they were scared about leaving their comfort zone, had absolutely no interest in going on holiday/visiting Australia and were looking for excuses to not come.

     

    I hope you are able to find a solution whether that means coming to Australia or staying in the UK and being happy with that decision.

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    Thank you Jessica.

     

    I probably worded the title wrong as I of course want to go to Australia but in the past I said not to going as my family were a huge tie for me. Now they aren not a tie at all and I want to go, but then I change my mind because of my anxiety. It's been a tough few years and I do feel my family and I deserve a fresh start but it's just me holding it back now.

     

    I guess everyone is afraid of leaving their comfort zone, I've lived here all my life so it will be daunting but I don't think it would stop me going. If i could close my eyes and just be there now I would.

     

    Thanks for your reply. :-)

    I think the title of your thread is interesting. You have titled it 'I keep changing my mind' rather than something like Fear of flying or something along those lines. You say you have thought about moving since you have had children, I wonder if deep down you are still undecided and are using your fear of flying as a reason to not come. Or do you mean you think you can fly to Australia, but then change your mind?

     

    We had similar issues with the in laws. When we discussing emigrating (which wasn't often because they are the kind of people that think if we don't talk about it, it won't happen!) they stated that they wouldn't be able to fly to come and see us because of my FIL's back issues and sitting down for long periods. My dad suffers with back problems and has had an operation and various injections into his nerves to help ease the pain, but he has been out to see us several times, because his motivator is he loves his daughter and wants to see me. When I suggested to the in laws they could come by ship and it didn't matter how long it took because they are retired and they didn't need to rush the journey, this suggestion was met with absolute silence! The reality was they were scared about leaving their comfort zone, had absolutely no interest in going on holiday/visiting Australia and were looking for excuses to not come.

     

    I hope you are able to find a solution whether that means coming to Australia or staying in the UK and being happy with that decision.

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    Thank you. I think we deserve a fresh start, I guess it's down to me to make the final decision and stop letting anxiety stop us having our dream. I could always do a few flights to say Ireland or France to get my confidence up flying. My son point blank refuses to go on boats, haha!!! Where as I would prefer it.

     

    Sorry to hear about what you've been through. I agree you need a fresh start.

    Nothing to stop you travelling by boat to Australia instead. You can travel on same ship as your possessions. We looked into it, but decided that my mobility issues would prevent it. Might be worth investigating.

    Best of luck. Hope you are able to find an alternative to the flight

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    Thank you so much Zebedee,

     

    It's been a really tough few years. My son had anxiety after what he witnessed with my brother, and then I fell victim to his behavior and was also plagued with anxiety for a long time. We now feel there is nothing keeping us here and I must admit the last 2 years I have hated living within 10 minutes of my family, I want nothing more than to have a fresh start and give my husband his dream of a life in Australia.

     

    I appreciate your reply. Everyone has been so kind. Thank you xx

     

    I cannot begin to imagine how you feel and you've made some huge and strong decisions with regard your family. Well done.

     

    I can relate to the dream of Australia though - it was always something that nagged us, for years and years and we finally kicked ourselves into action and we achieved the dream - and it's been great. You sound like you are already set on Australia being a good move. I think you are right as well.

     

    With the plane flight, it is ONLY a defined period of time - every minute in the air is one minute closer to Australia. I know it's easy to type that, and the fears are real and probably the more you think about it, the bigger they get - but you can split the flight up with a stopover (we had three days in Singapore) and also it's 24 hours of flight vs years in Australia. You would be well looked after by the flight attendants - and I am sure if you made it known you had anxiety about it, they would do everything they can to help. Might be worth seeing a doctor and getting some help with relaxation techniques? It's surprising how good the human mind can be at blocking out what's going on around us - hopefully that doesn't sound patronising!

     

    Good luck!

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    Thanks Snifter

     

    You're right, I need to toughen up as I am sure some of the family we do have left will try to make us stay but honestly it wouldn't be enough for me to stay. My dad tells me to do it and get away from my family who he too has cut out after the way they treated me. I have his blessing so I guess that's all that matters.

     

    Breaking the journey up is a really good idea and I shall look into that today. Thank you.

     

    Difficult but if you want to go for it, you will need to face this and deal with it as best as possible to the point where you can fly. I'd be going back for more CBT and working on it as much as possible and seeing if you can make the move a reality. Its sooner rather than later as your kids are getting older and once you hit those teenage years it can be a real wrench for them to make a move to the other side of the world. Lots are ok but some teenagers focus on their friends and it can be terribly hard to leave them behind and settle happily elsewhere.

     

    Have you considered breaking the journey up? You can do it in 3 legs if you want, with an overnight somewhere if it will help. Shorter legs, a breather in between, even a few nights on the way. You might also be able to medicate? Just something to help you relax on the flight? Talk to your GP about it perhaps and see if there is anything that might help.

     

    I don't suffer panic attacks when flying (I've had them in the past but not flying related) but I don't like it one bit anymore but I get myself on the plane each time and its ok. Its never as bad as I think its going to be in my head in the weeks and months before I fly. Now I just don't let myself dwell on it too much before we fly and I usually only have time to ponder it as we are boarding the flight but then I am distracted by my son and other things and just keep it that way. I think you are probably focusing on the worry and negative thoughts about when you fly and you should try to focus on the positives, the good things and that might help how you feel about it in your head more.

     

    I am also going to say I think you have to have a bit of a stubborn, possibly slightly selfish streak in you to help you make the move. You are going to possibly upset loved ones, your kids may not all be happy about the move and it isn't an easy process, so you do need to be able to steel yourself for all that and be confident to work through it all and not fall at the first big emotional hurdle that hits you, or the ones after that might arise. If you decide to migrate, be prepared to be a bit tougher about it all, in a good way IYKWIM :smile:

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    Thank you so much Sam/Craig. I hope things are going well for you. Well done for making the move xx

     

    Hi, I feel you should just go for it, I was scared of the flight and by no means am I underestimating how you are feeling as I realise this is serious and you aren't just scared of flying !! But the time on the plane just flys by, seriously doesn't feel as long as it is! We flew out last week and in had never done a long haul before and I must say it was not half as bad as expected! The staff on our Singapore airlines flight were amazing, they bent over backwards to make us feel comfortable. Customer service was unbelievable xxx

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    Thank you so much Wen. I am sure the anticipatory anxiety is far worse than me actually doing it. There will be a way around it I'm sure, once I am there I am there and i will settle.

     

    I appreciate your reply. Thank you xx

     

    If the flying is the only thing stopping you, then there are ways and means, as said above, you can get help with the anxiety of flying. Slightly different circumstances but my best friend is a terrible flyer. She would only get on a plane if she had a gin and tonic in her hand before, during and after. She was gutted when we moved as she said she wouldn't fly that long or that far. Actually, she has been on 4 hour flights and is flying the Orlando in the summer and saving her heart out to come to me next year....I am still in shock!

    Do it before the kids get older. Grab life's opportunities. I hope it all works out for you. Stay strong:smile:x

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    Thank you Joro.

     

    I shall chat to my GP. Life is far too short to stay here miserable after all we have been through. Well I am happier than I was 2 years ago, life has settled since cutting my family out and I am now well BUT there is still something missing and I think it's just that we live so close to them and I feel there is nothing keeping me here now, I want a fresh start away from the bad memories and for my children. It's so hard for them having cut out my family, not seeing their cousins but they fully understand why we don't see family as they sadly witnessed my brother turning up at our house unexpectedly and attacking their father so they don't want anything to do with my family. They have asked a few times can we move away. It breaks my heart, we are a nice happy family and life is better now but like i say I feel there is just something we need to change.

     

    Thank you for replying to me xxx

     

    Hi Mimms,

    I just want to reassure you,I was like you petrified of flights, as I hate enclosed spaces.

    I realised I was being selfish keeping my Husband from holpidays abroad, so I visited my GP.

    when I explained my problem he gave me just enough tablets for my two flights,I was so relaxed I even sat at a

    window seat.Everytime I fly I just get enough tablets from my GP. I have been to Australia twice and we are moving permanently .to

    Adelaide as soon as our house is sold. Good luck you can do it.

    Warm Regards

    Joan

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    Thanks Keith.

     

    I shall speak to my GP about the fear I have and see what he suggests. Life is too short to stay here where we feel unsafe and need a fresh start xx

     

    Whilst I have no problem with flying, in fact I find it quite an enjoyable experience, but Linda does, she has a slight discomfort with the enclosed space rather the actual flying, but she has a brilliant and caring GP that besides giving her a letter about her medical history and any current medications she will be carrying, also makes sure Linda's flu jabs and other inoculations are up to date, she also prescribes Linda, just for the flights, some Valium which Linda ( takes half tab for the shorter flight and 1 for the long flight) finds really help, not only settle her but able to sleep better on the plane too.

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    Doug thank you so so much for your lovely reply. It has really helped me and i can't thank you enough for your kind words. You are right my children do deserve a new life and a better one after all we have been through here. It's been 2 years, almost 3 since my siblings turned violent and destroyed me to the point i couldn't leave my home for a year. My children were amazing as was my husband. They were my rocks and I want to do this for them and give my husband his dream.

     

    Thank you again. I shall pm you if you don't mind.

     

    Mims xx

     

    G'day Minns, good on you for being brave enough to tell us of your 'private' hell. You've been through the mill and definitely need a fresh start. More important, so do your children. They are old enough to understand why you and your hubby want to move to a new life.

     

    Now, as to your fear of flying, let me see if I can help you. I hold a recreational pilots certificate and fly VERY small and claustrophobic aircraft so may have some insights for you, and for other members that have the same fear.

    [ATTACH=CONFIG]9076[/ATTACH] [ATTACH=CONFIG]9077[/ATTACH] After my first solo, aged 64. [ATTACH=CONFIG]9078[/ATTACH] Up close and personal with a stroke victim.

     

    Firstly, lets forget about coming by ship. If you can't cope with small places then being trapped in a very small cabin in a gale and huge waves throwing you every where, is going to send you totally mad. It's better to suffer 24 hours of hell than 5 weeks. Not all cruises are as beautiful as they advertise. Then there's the expense, not just of the fares, but the money you will spend on board and at ports of call. A distant relation of mine came out as a 10 pound pohm and spent a small fortune during the journey.

     

    IF indeed you can afford to come by ship, then think about up-grading your seats on the aircraft to business class, so much more room. I know, doubles your airfares but it's a once in a life time trip. Once you're here, all your relatives must do the flying.

     

    Modern aircraft are really strong and have been tested to destruction so that pilots know the limits to which they can take them. Storms can be seen on radar early enough to go round and other aircraft can also be seen. The only thing that can't, is sudden changes in air density, this is what makes aircraft suddenly drop or go up. The effects are quickly over and the plane will automatically resume flying straight and level even if the pilot has his hands off the controls and the auto pilot is switched off. All plane are designed to be self-stabilizing in that way.

    BTW, if you watch TV shows like Air crash Investigation, remember, there's always some unusual reason for the crash and I would advise you not to watch such shows. It's unlikely that the same set of circumstances will ever arise again anyway.

     

    If you decide to take the chance, you have months in which to do some research on flying. Months in which to learn relaxation programs. Months in which to see specialist such as hypnotherapists.

     

    Please don't waste time on worrying about it, just take the first step, however small, in your journey to a new and better life.

     

    PM me if you want more help.

     

    Oops, didn't mean the photos to be so big.

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    Good old Doug! Yes, I'm sure Mims would do well following your good sound advice. You really do seem to get the very best out of life and it's good to know you enjoy it all so much. In fact, we could all do with a 'Doug' friend in our lives, at times! Purely by observation through reading PIA threads, you're a perfect example of what a 'people person' truly is. You're the man. All the best.

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